[vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” column_margin=”default” column_direction=”default” column_direction_tablet=”default” column_direction_phone=”default” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” row_border_radius=”none” row_border_radius_applies=”bg” overlay_strength=”0.3″ gradient_direction=”left_to_right” shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_tablet=”inherit” column_padding_phone=”inherit” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” column_link_target=”_self” gradient_direction=”left_to_right” overlay_strength=”0.3″ width=”1/1″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column_text]The middle child. Who are they?

He appeared out of nowhere in the nature reserve with tears in his eyes. I thought this four-year-old was lost, but before I could approach him, his face lit up with a happy smile the moment his family appeared. I was shocked how fast his emotions changed.

His older brother was having his father’s attention as they explored the different plants and animals in the nature reserve. His mother was holding his younger sibling, and her hands were full with all the baby stuff.

I understood immediately. Like me, he is the middle child.

My parents, like most parents trying to survive in a third world country, were so busy making ends meet and put food on the table that they had no time to do the parenting thing.

My memory of my parents were them using the cane liberally and I believed it was their way of expressing concerns because they cared for us deeply.

Although I was shocked when my mother told me in my 40s that I was the only one she caned. I remember how embarrassed I was when my friends stared at the cane lines all over my legs when I was already 18.

I consider myself fortunate when my parents registered me into a public school at seven as I ended up having a good education. I think it was also a privilege to be able to tag along my siblings when they went for swimming classes.

My parents worked really hard, waking up at 3 a.m. each morning to slaughter chickens to sell in the market. I learned and became a really hardworking person myself because of their examples.

When I became a mother, they reminded me to be a good one and my mother would help by cooking a meal or two for my children when she stayed over during weekends.

I have never thought that being a middle kid was rough, until I have raised my own children or when I see other people passing over their middle kids. I am so used to people forgetting about me that it has become strange when they don’t.

Things got more exaggerated in my family because my oldest brother was still-born, so when my sister arrived, my parents were so happy their had a child at last! When my brother was born after me, they were elated to have son!

However, when I was born, my mother was ridiculed. Firstly, who wants a child looking like Mystique.  The doctors told my mother that this blue baby was not going to survive and they set me aside, presumably thinking I wouldn’t survive.

My paternal grandmother rushed to Singapore excitedly to see me, and imagine the shock she had when she saw how ugly I was. Even my docile grandmother couldn’t resist telling my mother I was so ugly.

As a kid, my siblings were fat and cute, like what babies should be, but I was ugly and thin. Ah. Here’s the thing. Because of that, my mother breastfed me twice as long as she did my siblings. I had eight months of great nutrition!

Because of that and definitely other reasons, I quickly become really healthy. And before I knew it, I was that good-looking slim and intelligent girl.

By the time I was about to start school, I was told that writing or stirring a pot with my left hand makes me a witch, so my sister insisted that I switched to using my right hand, while my brother stayed left-handed all of his life. I was confused forever if I were left or right-handed. Because of that, I became ambidextrous, I can play games to national levels, write and use chopsticks equally well with both hands.

One time, my father was giving out pocket money. My sister went before me and was brandishing her $50 note. When it was my turn, my dad dug into the deepest of his pocket and found a $2 note. Even at eleven, I understood that the world is not fair, and that I have to work very hard if I wanted anything. To this day, I ensure I work harder than any of my peers in anything I choose to do.

Even though my academic results were far better than my older sibling, my father made it clear he would not put me through the university. When my family celebrated my sister’s graduation from the university, my father decided not to fund our studies any longer. That started my journey of putting myself through the university. I slept in my tutee’s toilet, became a lifeguard, and sold mooncakes to earn enough for my tuition fees. Those were the years I learned so many skills that last me to this day.

While both my siblings expected my parents to pay for their first vehicles and first homes, I did not think I was entitled to those things. Instead, I worked like crazy to attain those little luxuries in my life. I understood that I could only dream to own things I can afford.

Now that my father has passed on for more than 25 years and my mother is confused if her own mother is alive, I have my birth order to thank for who I am today.

People assume that I am so resilient, possess so many skills and have so many resources because I was born lucky or born rich. The truth is, had I been from a rich family or from a more developed country at the time I was born or been a favored child, I’d probably be a weaker person. A person with less skills, who is less resilient and less capable.

The middle child in my own family feels loved above all else. Maybe it is because I have five kids instead of three. Maybe it is because we happen to find the right formula to not make her feel left out. Maybe she is not the forgotten one.

I believe all of us as parents must have unintentionally forgotten a child, whether they are in the middle or not. Perhaps their siblings need a bit more attention. Perhaps you have too many other things to handle and juggle.

Looking at that little boy from the nature reserve, I know that there are still children who are forgotten. From experience I know that a forgotten child will always turn out to be great, as long as they refuse to be jaded or bitter. In fact, if you look carefully, that forgotten child will often be the one who loves you the most in the end.

If you are a forgotten child, just be a little braver and brace for an unconventional future. If you realize you have forgotten a child, give them a little hug, and set aside some time each week just for them, because that little attention will come back to you in many, many folds. I guarantee.

To subscribe our newsletter on education and parenthood, please go to here.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

[vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” column_margin=”default” column_direction=”default” column_direction_tablet=”default” column_direction_phone=”default” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” row_border_radius=”none” row_border_radius_applies=”bg” overlay_strength=”0.3″ gradient_direction=”left_to_right” shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_tablet=”inherit” column_padding_phone=”inherit” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” column_link_target=”_self” gradient_direction=”left_to_right” overlay_strength=”0.3″ width=”1/1″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column_text]So many of us underestimate the severe consequences of not believing in our children. On the other hand, we undervalue the incredible advantages of believing in our children as well.

I got a bit embarrassed. I was the only person who raised my left hand, and so I lowered it quickly hoping nobody saw.

It was too late. All eyes were already on me.

“Oh, Pam! Her kids are wonderful. They are geniuses.” The speaker for the parent seminar identified me from the audience. But why am I the only one out of hundreds who thought that the kids are great?

In fact, at that time, my son was having a lot of trouble in school. The speaker himself had thought that my son was a special needs and one of the first to ask me to bring him for psychological tests.

You see, it does not matter how my kids are or what other people think. My kids are the best thing that has happened to my entire life. And, I think it is because I believe in them that they don’t want to disappoint me. So, they try to become better and better. And because they want to become better, I believe them even more. Yup, it is a catch-22. A good one. One that spirals upwards.

When Old Boy was about seven, something felt wrong. He was always absent minded, dreamy and he failed to do any of his homework. He loses five water bottles a week, and his PE T-shirt every other day.

I was worried and devoured every literature I could get my hands on to try to learn and solve the problems. There were suggestions that he had learning disabilities. I was worried and devastated initially, but I decided I had to choose a route.

So, I went the opposite way from most parents. Instead of believing that something was wrong with him, that he needed to fix his long list of weaknesses, I decided to look for that one thing that he was really good at, and work on it.

At that time, I just thought that if I keep believing he is gifted, he will become so. Well, even if he is not, even if he is the opposite of giftedness, there is nothing to lose. I knew I would raise him exactly the same way, anyway.

After that, I went about looking for resources to help him learn. In the early 2000s, there was no resources on the internet. There was no online schools nor were there free MOOCs. I wrote to schools in different countries to see if they could send me their school books. In the end, I found resources that really helped, resulting him him entering university at 14.

For each of my five children, I did exactly the same thing. I put their weaknesses aside temporarily (to the horror of many educators and psychologists) and work on their strengths until they believe so much in themselves, they are inspired to do things well.

In the end, all my five kids finished university before they turned 18. Some of my kids have now worked several years. Looking back, I think I did the right thing in choosing to believe in them even before they even prove themselves, before the world believe they were somebodies.

In an education that constantly focuses on our students’ weaknesses so as to fix them, I chose the other way. I chose to focus on my children’s strengths, boost their self-esteem and motivation, and then deal with weaknesses when things are more relaxed.

It has worked wonders not only for my kids, but also the students who choose to journey with the school I founded. Our programs focus on not only on developing academic learning, but inner strength as well. I always tell parents that if they can tell me just one, just ONE good thing about their child, I am confident I can make them geniuses.

Fortunately, many parents can, so we have made many children into geniuses in their own ways. But that’s not important. What’s important is that they find happiness and purpose in their education, confidence in doing what they are good at, and strength in handling challenges.

The next time someone asks you about your child, think about that one thing they are so good at, and then say that they are wonderful. After that, sit back and watch how that little prophecy you made gets self-fulfilled. They will be wonderful.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

[vc_row type=”in_container” full_screen_row_position=”middle” column_margin=”default” column_direction=”default” column_direction_tablet=”default” column_direction_phone=”default” scene_position=”center” text_color=”dark” text_align=”left” row_border_radius=”none” row_border_radius_applies=”bg” overlay_strength=”0.3″ gradient_direction=”left_to_right” shape_divider_position=”bottom” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column column_padding=”no-extra-padding” column_padding_tablet=”inherit” column_padding_phone=”inherit” column_padding_position=”all” background_color_opacity=”1″ background_hover_color_opacity=”1″ column_shadow=”none” column_border_radius=”none” column_link_target=”_self” gradient_direction=”left_to_right” overlay_strength=”0.3″ width=”1/1″ tablet_width_inherit=”default” tablet_text_alignment=”default” phone_text_alignment=”default” column_border_width=”none” column_border_style=”solid” bg_image_animation=”none”][vc_column_text]”Erm, Pam, how do you motivate your children?” At almost every parent seminar, someone will ask me this question and I am always stuck, because I’ve never had to motivate my children to do anything.

Most recently, a Straits Times journalist asked me that question again but in a different way. She asked me how do I help parents who face unmotivated children.

O… it is a problem, huh?

Then, why do parents and educators choose to demotivate their children and students in the first place.

Don’t believe me? Do this.

Experiment Yourself

Observe the faces of the children starting school on their first day: the primary/grade/year 1 students. Almost always, they will be filled with excitement and wonder, although some will be terrified. But none unmotivated.

Do the same again six months later. You will be lucky to find half of them still as enthusiastic.

How do six-year-old children get unmotivated in six months? The school has a fantastic way of taking away that passion in the kid through the way it is run, the way educators are trained and the way we teach.

Reduce Demotivation

Rather than trying to motivate your kids, I suggest a two-step method: first, you remove things that demotivate, and then, you find ways to inspire!

Motivation requires a push factor, while inspiration is from within. If you can inspire your students, then you will never ever have to motivate them again. This is simply because their motivation then comes from within themselves.

There are many ways to not demotivate your child. I will give an example here (and if you want to know more, please either attend my seminar or PM me). First, do not penalize a child for doing well. Yes, we do that all the time.

Set a firm target and don’t back out! If you tell a child to finish ten questions and they do so in 5 minutes, don’t be tempted to add another five more since he is doing well. To shoot a moving target is extremely difficult and the next time, they will either slow down so that you won’t give them more work, or they won’t even bother to believe you. You have successfully demotivated them.

Increase Inspiration

So, when your child is doing well, do not penalize them, but do not overly reward them either. I have seen so many parents, and I have tried that myself, bribe the kids into doing well. It ALWAYS backfires, because to do well in anything must be their responsibility, and not something they should get extra remuneration for. To provide an incentive to do a duty can lead to a false sense of entitlement, and this kind of bribery can become an ongoing pattern that ultimately teaches your child to wait for an incentive before they do something for themselves.

Requiring incentive to do something is the opposite of inspiration. You want your kid to want to do something for themselves, not to do something for an incentive.

I will cover one more example of how to inspire your child tomorrow, and then all the rest on Saturday’s webinar.

For now, just remember this little formula I have created:[/vc_column_text][nectar_gradient_text heading_tag=”h2″ color=”extra-color-gradient-1″ gradient_direction=”diagonal” text=”Motivation = Inspiration – Demotivation”][vc_column_text]

Increase inspiration, decrease demotivation. I have used this little formula when working with my students, my own children and my entrepreneurial participants. We have seen tremendous success.

Really. Inspired and motivated people will change the world we live in for us. Try it and see your own miracles![/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]