Over the last 24 hours, three people had asked me for a reference to psychologists. It is often people whom you least think need help who need help. It is often parents who think their child are doing great who get the biggest shock of the life all of a sudden.

Anthony’s PSLE result was sterling and he got into an elite of elite secondary school, one that promises more than academic rigor, their high school credits can be used as credit transfers into a top university in Singapore.

Needless to say, it is a sought after secondary school, and the kids are studying 3-4 years ahead of their age peers in the areas they specialize in.

The celebration was short-lived. Within six months, the parents reached out to me. The high IQ child has school refusal problems. So I got our counselors involved to see how we can help.

Our advice was to remove him from a toxic environment where kids are often driven to a place where they feel deflated, over challenged and unaccomplished. We feel he should go to where his gifts are appreciated, where he can score well and his self-esteem is high. On the side, we promised to offer enrichment that will challenge and stimulate his intellectual needs. We felt he needed both social and intellectual support, and since he cannot get them both in the same place, we suggest splitting them.

Not unexpectedly, the parents and child felt that it was a ‘waste’ to give up a prestigious school, so they stayed. Yesterday, we received another call. In the six months since we last spoke, the child moved to an international school, and now refuse to go to the new school as well. In fact, he is refusing to get out of the house, so can we send in some psychologist.

To be honest, I don’t think we can ‘rescue’ a child like that, no matter how much they offer to pay us. He is only 14, and just 2 years ago, he was acing his cohort, happy about his situation, full of confidence of his future.

That is how fragile our kids are. People often ask me why I am so drastic whenever I feel my (or other people’s) children are endangered. And the answer is because sometimes, it can be a point of no return.

There are cases we know we cannot help, and I honestly feel sad about it. This family did not pay us anything to help them, so it is not even a customer relationship, yet I feel sad that someone I have never met has a situation I don’t wish upon anyone.

I chanced upon something I wrote when Sunshine Boy was going through some difficulties in school. It still resonates with me today. I hope it is useful to those of us who still think hope or are proud that our kids are child prodigy.

It is not fun to have a child prodigy, it is far more fun to raise an adult who loves himself and the world. To this end, I think I did a decent job, for this Sunshine Boy is now 20, and he is a well adjusted individual who is capable of handling his life, and has compassion. I think it worth being the strong mum.

*If you have a child who needs help, please feel free to reach out to me via message, it costs you nothing but a bit of time, but sometimes, that’s all it takes to rescue a child. I don’t charge or judge.

Here is what I wrote 10 years ago when I decided to wean him from psychologists and, to the horror of educators, gave him an individualized education path instead:

1. I’d rather my child not be child prodigy, for there’re just that handful of prodigies who truly make it as adults. I wish he’ll discover more about himself than quantum theory.

2. I’d rather have him see the world, than having the world recognise him.

3. I’d rather not have him write for publication and peer evaluators but to touch the hearts and minds of common people, to reach out to them and be relevant to them.

4. If he chooses to follow my footsteps and become an academic, I’d rather he not publish at 10, but at 90.

5. I’d not expose him to the press, and I’d not find joy in telling the world how smart he is. I’d wish him a few true friends whom he can share small successes with, run with the guys and enjoy a good laugh at each other’s stupidity and mistakes.

6. I’d not take pain to show case his difference. I’d rather rejoice in him being just the same as the neighbour’s boy.

7. I’d not show the world how bitter I am when the rest of the world disagree with the way I should view my son, but take the opportunity to show him what grace and forgiveness is about. This is not a fair world and we should never demand it to be.

8. If I have my choice, I’d want my son’s IQ be to around 120, and an EQ of 210 (if there’s a measurement of EQ). Add a kind heart and a love for living, joy and not bitterness, the ability to present and have his ideas accepted. A sympathy for the poor and respect for the old. A love for his country, patriotism, filial piety, gratitude, politeness, forgiveness, and most importantly, humility. In other words, VALUES. I want him to value principles more than academic knowledge.

BUT these are just my thoughts. I don’t think I have, don’t wish to have and don’t need to have a kid prodigy. I just wished the world would accept him the way he is and allow him the simplicities of life, a chance to be one of the boys.

I decided to make a gingerbread house this year, but I couldn’t find my old template that I thought was in my old file. Wow, I didn’t realize I had not made a gingerbread house for so long.

It is not a big deal, until I realized that I have never made a gingerbread house together with any of my kids. The Youngest One was shocked that I made a gingerbread house. “Do we even celebrate Christmas?”

Huh? To me, we have always celebrated Christmas. I always remember there is a Christmas tree in the house, we go to church, and we invite carolers to our house. Only that the last time we did that was almost a decade ago.

It didn’t occur to me, that in my busy-ness, I had forgotten to make the festive season festive. What we used to do with the older kids were not done in recent years as I struggle to keep alive raising five kids on my own in Australia.

It is sad that I have lost the opportunity to teach them a little about the season that means something to me, it is sad that the girls grew up not making even one gingerbread house with me. It is sad that some of my kids don’t even know Christmas is celebrated in our family.

There are very few things only we can personally pass on to our kids, one of them is the family tradition, the things unique to our family only. Unfortunately, we are often so entrenched in other more urgent matters, time slip through our fingers and sometimes, those opportunities are lost forever.

I think that it is as important to educate our kids our family history as it is to educate them about history of the world, the laws of nature and the mathematical theories.

Fortunately, even though my kids are really bananas (yellow on the outside and white on the inside) having grown up in white people’s country, they still know about ang paos.

Every Chinese New Year, we would ensure that we tell them a little story about our family and what the lunar new year means to us. This, hopefully, will stay in the family for generations.

No matter what your family tradition is, I hope you’d do your duty in passing on to the next generation, and then the next, and the next and the next… just like what our parents, our grandparents, and our great grandparents did to keep our traditions alive.

Let’s not drop the baton.

And if you want to make my simplified gingerbread house (there are a day or two till Christmas), here’s the recipe I created:
https://bit.ly/35PpWoF

Merry Christmas.

Playing does not have to involve toys. Giving a gift of play is different from giving our kids toys. People are amazed by the number of toys my children get growing up.

We buy toys six times a year for my children: a toy each on everybody’s birthday, and during Christmas. Over the years, I have not thrown out any toy, but my house is never cluttered.
With less toys, it definitely does not mean my kids get to play less. I think my children are the most playful ones you can find. They just far more creative with whatever they get.

Why less toys?

The first advantage is that your house will be much less cluttered. I am shocked by how messy some houses can get with so many toys! When we have less toys, it is far easier to get the kids to keep the house clean and neat, an essential life skill to impart.

Secondly, the kids will treasure what they get, play with each toy longer and that same habit will teach them to treasure their stationery, books and other possessions as they grow up. I remember my daughter’s primary school friends created a fund for my daughter (thinking she is poor) because she didn’t have mechanical pencils. She would ensure that her manual pencils were fully depleted before she replaced them. I think to imbue such frugal virtues is far more valuable than crowding them with too much useless stuff.

Thirdly, replace toys with books. How long can a child play with a toy hammer or a toy computer before they get bored? (Two knocks) Nothing is more fun than imparting the skill of reading and opening them up to a world of fantasies and imaginations. While I buy toys only six times a year, I buy books and go to the library weekly.

I really believe kids should play a lot, a lot. Much of their learning should be through play and not about sitting down and being instructed. It is far more effective learning through fun and play than in a classroom.

In the preschool and kindy classes we run, our kids do not get to sit down and ‘do work’ a lot. Instead, they get to play a lot, yet, people are astonished by our students’ knowledge and vocabulary. I believe children learn far better through play.

We must remember the purpose of toys is to induce play. But these days, people tend to focus on the toys to buy and forget that it is how we use the toys that creates the most impact.

So here are some reasons why Christmas is not necessarily a time for toys. How about asking for a gift of time instead? Like for a grandma to bring the kids to a museum or a zoo? Or even a cruise to nowhere or a ticket to a concert with an aunt or uncle. Those experiences are far more precious than a toy or two that become junk quickly. Play with wonderful experiences not only last a lifetime and creates great memories but makes learning such a wonderful event.

Her mother and she both claimed that her PSLE score was 291, and that she had chosen to go to a neighbourhood school with a cutoff point of 201 because her friends were all going there too. They were attending the feeder primary school.

Why did you teach him how to do simultaneous equations at seven? Huh???

With more than 97% of our students taking tuition, the shadow education industry is worth a billion a year in Singapore. Parents are forking out cold hard cash just so to get a good education for their kids. To me, it is a sad phenomenon that needs attention.

I truly think that parents who put their kids in tuition are either (1) clueless on how to help their kids do well academically themselves, (2) are lazy to do the grueling work or (3) have children who are so competitive they insist they must have tuition.

Most, if not all, parents are the best teachers for their children.

While I do see benefits of sending a child to tuition temporarily because they are unable to catch up on certain topics, I sincerely believe that mandatory tuition just to get good grades not only does not benefit our families and children, it is detrimental.

Why.

First, I know families who struggle just to put their kids into tuition classes and enrichment, hoping that these tuition can perform miracles for their kids. If a parent chooses to work just to earn enough to put their kids to tuition or enrichment, then the family has already missed the point.

Research shows that the most gifted kids come from families with stay-at-home-mom or dad. So if there is a choice, choose to spend more time with your child.

If you don’t believe me, just ask track any family that has made that kind of financial sacrifice for the kids. You will see that the hard work they put in can be so futile and sad.

Second, many parents use tuition teachers as baby sitters, a way to outsource the task of monitoring kids, or to ‘burn’ active kids’ time. This is even sadder. I’d like to think that our kids’ time is precious, our kids’ time with us is even more precious. We should be protecting that instead of throwing that away.

I think that talented tuition teachers should not be wasting their time baby sitting, but be absorbed in the education system. I also think that our teachers in the education system should have a better status in our economy. I think that being teachers must be so prestigious and well paid that our brightest would choose to teach than to be doctors.

Third, parents must be the ones to instill the joy of learning, and from a very young age, so that children want to learn themselves. If this is done, then there shall never be a need to send them to tuition centers and enrichment to play catch-up. Learning at will is fun, studying to catch up is a horrible, arduous and stressful task.

How do you do instill the joy of learning by teaching while the kid is enthusiastic?

Just now, I received a message asking me if it is too early to teach a four months’ old how to read. My reply: we should start to teach a child how to read from 1 day old.

It is so fun, it is the best thing to do for the parent and the baby.

One of the strategies I teach is to train the visual pathways of babies at birth, so that they are ready for near vision instruction. A baby’s vision between 0-6 months is not developed yet, and can therefore discern black and white best.

Therefore, we can surround the baby with black and white soft toys so that when they wake up, they get to observe the defined lines between black and white. That activates the curiosity in the baby.

This is against the conventional approach of choosing pink or blue for the baby’s stuff. While these colors are beautiful and cute for the adults, they are too light for babies to discern, and serve no purpose for the child’s intellectual growth.

As the kids grow beyond six months old, we activate their learning through games, culminating to them reading without having to learn a single phonic (meaning no stress and no reading school). After that, we step them up with the right materials (often free) until they are ready for the university.

Such ways of learning can save thousands and thousands of dollars, and really happy children who are motivated to learn more everyday.

Over the years, I have tried to share my strategies in parental seminars. Many who have followed the simpler ways I teach are marveled at the success they see in their own children. A fortnight ago, I met up with a parent with a very sick child who had to skip school often. Using the simple beliefs that were taught, the mother helped her daughter get into a university a year earlier than her peers. Mothers always do wonders.

If you want your kids to succeed and escape the sad fate of tuition or the tragedy of being diagnosed with all sorts of disabilities, if you want to save money and give your child the joy of learning from the person they love the most, regardless of your education, then teach before you have to leave the teaching to people far less qualified. We must activate the creativity in a child so that they learn to figure things out themselves.

Start when the baby is one day old. Or start immediately. You will be immensely satisfied with your parenting journey in the many years to come.

I have no clue how Old Boy figured out simultaneous equations at seven, he probably read it somewhere or figured it out somehow, just like how his sister figured out how to add at 15 months old, and how his brother figured out how clouds were made at 9 months old.